As you may have noticed I haven't updated my blog in a long time!
I am finally finished college, and what a year it has been!
I don't even know where to start, so I will start from the beginning.
This year in college was my final year of my degree and as you can imagine it was a very intense and busy year!
When I started back in September it didn't go as planned, on my first day back I became very uneasy and very emotional. This feeling didn't pass and lasted for several days, when I realised I wasn't in a good place I decided to visit my doctor. After my visit I was referred to a mental health specialist where I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and phobophobia, this is the fear of fear itself.
I was then advised to take 4 weeks off from college so I could start my treatment.
This was a huge thing for me as I had only started back that week, during this time I felt like I wouldn't be able to complete the year and would have to drop out!
During my 4 weeks off I focused on my first college project so when I went back I wouldn't be behind on my work.
Going back was the hardest thing I thought I would have to face. I was terrified of all the questions people would ask,
"where were you?"
"I thought you weren't coming back?"
"what was wrong with you?"
But to my surprise these questions didn't arise people just said hi and asked how I was, thank god because I honestly didn't want to have to explain to everybody what had happened.
Although I was on anti anxiety medication I still found it very hard to go in everyday, getting up every morning at 6am to get a train to college had my anxiety going crazy, but I just kept saying to myself once I get into a routine things would get easier, but they didn't.
I began to miss a lot of days as I let my anxiety get the better of me, my grades were beginning to suffer, and this just added to my stress and worry.
I began to take stress management classes to help with dealing with the stress of college, I found this to be very useful and I learnt great techniques to help keep myself calm.
For a few weeks these techniques helped a lot, but after a while the anxiety came back, every morning was the same, racing heart, sweating, fighting with myself on whether to go in that day or not, and once the anxiety kicked in it was almost impossible to use the techniques because I couldn't focus.
I began feeling depressed and I honestly didn't want to do it anymore, I felt hopeless, I felt like I wasn't going to get my degree, I began to ask myself was it worth putting myself though it. I honestly didn't want to go on.
But with the support from my family, friends and boyfriend I didn't give up!
I remembered why I was doing it, I wanted this for as long as I could remember and I promised myself I would get my degree in fashion, because I wanted it!
Although I couldn't go in every day, I worked my butt off when I was at home, making sure to keep on top of my work. But because of the fact I wasn't in everyday my tutors weren't happy and neither were my 'friends'.
My tutors approached me one day and said I needed to be in more often, and I tried to explain to them that I couldn't, it was too hard, but there was no empathy among them, well at least they didn't show it.
I understood fully that they couldn't grade me if they weren't constantly seeing my work, but I felt they just couldn't understand what I was going through.
I never asked them for help as I knew I was just another student and I understood they couldn't just treat me different to everyone else, because it wouldn't be fair to the other students and to be honest I didnt want to be treated any different.
When the first assessment came around, I was offered an extension of a week as I had missed the first 4, under medical reasons. This didn't sit well with some of the students. That is when things began to change.
Going into college was always hard, but it was easier when I was going into friends, I knew I was going to have a laugh and that when I was with them the anxiety would ease and that was how the first 2 years went. But this year was much different.
I began to feel distance between my friends and I, I tried to join in with the conversations, but I had this awful feeling in my stomach, that I wasn't wanted. At first I thought it was just my paranoia setting in, but as the weeks went on it got worse, I began to feel left out of conversations and events.
I understood the reason to be fair, I wasn't always there and any time I was invited to things I wouldn't go, mainly due to the fact I was scared of my anxiety.
I began to distance myself from them, because I didn't want to but in where I wasn't wanted, or at least where "I" felt I wasn't wanted, that may not of been the case.
I began to miss even more days, because I knew I wasn't going into friends anymore, I was going into stress and fear.
I then realised they were the only thing that helped, every day I went in it was being with them that helped me relax. But when I didn't have them and I was just going in to nothing basically, the anxiety wouldn't leave, so instead I would.
I began going into college just to see my tutors and show them my work, and as soon as I did that I would leave and go home to work.
This continued for the rest of the year, I would go in when I needed to and that was it. Even when I was in college I would just stick to myself, I kept my head down because I didn't want to look at anyone, because I didn't know whether to say hello or not, because I didn't know if I was going to get it back.
As you can tell I have bad paranoia :L, and by continuing on this path, I missed out on a lot of fun and exciting opportunities, but during that time all I could think about was avoiding anything that would set off my anxiety.
The most positive thing I had going for me was my determination to get my degree, that determination kept me from dropping out, it made me prove to myself that even though I wasn't well I could still do it, and I did!
Because of my medical reasons, the board granted me an extension. Instead of handing up all my work now I have been given the summer to get all of my work together and I will be presenting it at the end of the summer!.
By getting this it showed me that asking for help isn't such a bad thing, although others didn't understand what I was going though, there are others out there that understand fully.
Now that I am finished I am looking forward to the next chapter in my life, hopefully one with less tears, stress and anxiety, It was a struggle but I had to do it, I needed to show myself that nothing could stop me.
Now that you know my story, I am going to be doing daily updates on my road to recovery, although I have finished college, I still need to get passed my anxiety and learn to control it and not let it control me!
Hopefully my experience will help someone else in a similar situation.
If you got this far well done! because that was a long read!
I will have daily updates on my recovery and what I'm doing to get there.
Thank you for reading!
Tanya
xxx
