Road To Recovery: Update!

Hey there!

God it feels like a long time since I last updated my blog, and lets be honest it has been!

As I had mentioned before, I was given an extension from college, which meant they gave me the summer to complete my work, due to my anxiety disorder.

I have literally spent the last 2 months working everyday, trying to get my work done. No matter how much time and effort I put into it I just didn't feel like I was getting anywhere.
The last 2 weeks before my assigned date were the most stressful, I began having extreme anxiety, thinking I wasn't going to have everything done!

I worked so hard all year round while struggling with my mental health and all I kept thinking was 'I'm going to fail', 'I'm not going to have anything done'.
As the time drew closer I got worse, 2 days before my work was due to go in I started getting severe panic and I couldn't focus on anything I had to do. I was all over the place, I didn't know what to work on next, it was a disaster!

I stayed up all night 2 nights before my exam, worse mistake ever! From the lack of sleep I was even more emotional, I kept crying, having panic attacks and all I wanted to do was give up! Nothing was going right for me!
The night before I was due to go I still wasn't done, I left half of my notebooks and portfolio empty and I was so disappointed because I wanted to make it the best it could be but time just want on my side, eventually I just gave up and went to bed.

For my exam I had to give a presentation of my work and I never even had time to come up with what I was going to say!
When I got to the college I set up my work and then the tutors came in for my presentation, I started to talk and I couldn't think straight, I kept jumping from one thing to another, it was all so confusing and messy! I'm usually pretty good with giving presentations but this past year a lot of things have changed with me!

At the end of the presentation the tutors began to ask me some questions based on my work, one of then was 'where do you see your work?' and that was enough to send me over the edge, and I broke down crying!
I was mortified, 4 people standing in front of me watching me cry like a baby!

The reason I cried was because I hated my collection, my honest answer to her question would of been 'I see it in a bin' but I didn't say that, luckily.
I decided to be honest, I told them I wasn't happy with my collection, I felt no connection to it. I was disappoint with it because I know deep down I can do so much better, I have the skill and the ability to do so much more but unfortunately I didn't get to show what I truly can do!

It was a tough year and trying to be creative while you are so numb and so unhappy can be hard, but for some artists it works, they channel it into creating amazing work, but it just doesn't work for me!

At the end of the day it is done and dusting, nothing can be done now to change it! All I can do now is hope and pray that I get my degree, I really don't want all my hard work and struggles to have been for nothing!

Well that was deep :L, on a brighter note, I'm now free and ready to start the next chapter in my life! Hopefully it will be a little less stressful!

I have decided to start doing my updates on my road to recovery again, because I'm not quite there yet!
I may not be able to do daily updates, but I will update as often as I can.
I also won't be putting days on the heading anymore, it just gets a little to messy, especially when I don't update everyday :L

That is pretty much it for now, I will have more posts coming soon now that I am done with college!
I am so excited for fall!! I have so many ideas planned for posts and videos, so stay tuned to see what I have in store ;)

Thank you for reading and I hope you are all doing well!!

Love,

Tanya

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